Tom reviews money

In these hard economic times, I have to confess that I have no clue about money, which really hinders my saving ability. Actually, here are a few things I have no concept of:
- Money
- Time
- The "unnatural" or "supernatural"
- God

Now, some people are shocked at this. "No concept of money?!" they say, "Well, then how can you measure worth?! Or live? Or laugh? Or love?!!" [Editor's note: the last "live, laugh, love" bit is said a la Sideshow Mel from The Simpsons].

Let me tell you WHY I have no concept of money: because it doesn't make any sense. Someone, one day, looked at a chunk of gold and said "that much equals one". Everyone else said "one what?" and the man in question said "one dollar". That's the story of money in my mind.



Since we measure everything in dollars, it should make sense, right? But it clearly doesn't. I mean, one foot is one foot is twelve inches is one-third of a yard, right? For those of you that have a measurement system that makes sense: a centimeter is 10 millimeters is .01 meters. But does one dollar equal one dollar? Absolutely not.

You know why? Because measuring it via gold made no sense. You know why? Because gold is fucking useless. It's pretty, and that's all. Anything gold can do, something else can do just as well, or better. The only thing it can't do better than most things (except maybe diamonds) is make stupid people shoot other stupid people... and make rap beefs more entertaining.

So, humans began using something with no intrinsic or applicable value and made it the thing that determines worth. Neato. Now, we can't even measure money by the gold standard anymore! So, now, money is based on.....

....

...fuckall.



So, back to a dollar equaling a dollar.

This is going to be very hard to explain, so bear with me. If I have some electrons, protons, and neutrons. I can use one proton and one electron and make hydrogen. If I put two of those hydrogen atoms together and add some neutrons, I get helium. Right? No matter what I do, those electrons, protons, and neutrons are still equal to each other no matter where they go, right?

Oh, by the way, I'm not talking about inflation or currency equivalencies. I'm talking about just spending money today, right now, and that money becoming something completely different.

Okay... I have a better example that involves money.

Theoretically, this next picture is true:


In the weekly adverts for a grocery store, milk was advertised at $1.99.


And, let's just say that the new PS3s are about $350, since that's what they seem to be going for on Google shopping.

Can I, right now, go out and buy 200 gallons of milk for $1.99 (which would be $398), bring that milk to GameStop, and use it to buy a PS3? No.

Now why in the fuck not? Those gallons of milk cost me $1.99, your PS3 costs $350. I have 200 gallons of milk. I should, in fact, get change in the form of actual money. I know that 200*1.99 is more than $350, making the picture wrong, but I'm lazy and don't want to change the picture to say "greater than" instead of equals.

Well, apparently a PS3 is worth more than any amount of milk, even though the measurement we use to dictate value says that the values are the same. But, picture the reverse, where I walk into the grocery store with a PS3 and asked someone if I could trade the PS3 for milk. Assuming there was no risk of anyone losing their jobs and all that, they'd probably take the PS3.

That "measurement" doesn't make any sense.

I understand the barter system. Someone wants a sandwich and is willing to give a handjob for it. The sandwich-maker feels that this is a fair deal. Everyone is happy. Someone wants dental work done, that person is able to give the dentist a pack of taquitos and a pair of sunglasses. The dentist wants that and a pack of cigarettes. They agree on dental work and some nitrous for the taquitos, sunglasses, and cigarettes.



These scenarios I understand since everything has relative, subjective value that changes with the person perceiving the object, when it is, and the situation of the traders. Not some arbitrary number and pieces of paper.

But clearly I'm stupid.



Onto inflation and all that. Oh, by the way "artificial inflation" is a bullshit term. You can't have an artificial concept within an imaginary field. It's like the number i. An imaginary number that's inside of something fake anyway. Fuck that noise. I can conceptualize imaginary cheese or an imaginary barrel. But, can you conceptualize an imaginary unicorn? No. You can't. You think you can because you're imagining a unicorn, but, in the same way that fake numbers are different than other numbers, imaginary unicorns are different (and probably more imaginary) than the regular type of bullshit, fake unicorns. That's the problem with "i" and "artificial inflation".



Anyway, because there is too much money in circulation, it apparently loses value, causing the price of things to go up. This doesn't make any sense to me. Clearly, things not making sense is the prevailing theme of this review.

Okay, shouldn't the value of things directly correlate to the amount of money in circulation, if one causes the other? So, in theory, everything should constantly be level because of that.

Also, if this is the case, that there's simply too much money being circulated, shouldn't the government just collect all the money periodically, wipe everyone's credit clean, stack the majority of the cash in a big pile and burn it, while saving just enough to give each family one dollar? Then, apparently, we would be rich as fuck and houses would cost ten cents.

But of course that idea is stupid because of a new rule they just made up.

The big question to me is this: why does more money in circulation mean that it is worth less? I mean, the simple problem with this is that one no longer equals one and that fat man in the red suit that I had above was wrong. The only answer I've ever gotten was because of supply and demand theories. If there is more of something, there's less demand for it. That's bullshit when it comes to money because most wants as much money as they can get, no matter how much they already have.

If you don't believe me, think of this: 50 Cent used to say whatever he wanted on a record because he was poor. THAT got him rich. Once he got rich, (to the point where he could have quit and supported him and his family for the rest of their lives), he decided he wanted more money so he started shilling Vitamin Water, condoms, Right Guard, and Reebok sneakers. He didn't NEED more money and he would have gained more than he needed just by saying whatever he wanted and continuing to do what he did. But, the fact is, he wanted more than that. He wanted to be beyond filthy, stupidly, unnecessarily rich. So, he said, "Hey, my personal integrity is worth more money than I could ever use in my lifetime." Thus, 50 Cent, the brand, was born:








Well, I'm getting tired of writing this. I wrote it in one shot and made the pictures as I wrote... so... really... yeah. This was all garbled stream of consciousness.

Etc.

Here's my arbitrary number for money...

5%



I even gave it that many because it does buy some cool shit... that and it makes stupid people shoot other stupid people for stupid reasons (and that, my friends, is entertainment you can't buy).

UPDATE (21/04/2009): A co-worker of mine reminded me of the only two ways that the economy has ever made sense to me... South Park.



"...space cash is only worth what you as a planet decided it was worth." - Baby Fark Mcgezyx